I’ve said this before, it was a long day. March 6. I remember when I started Tual Graves several years ago, I told them there are several days that will not be good days and I may take off work. March 6 is one of those days. As the years have gone by, I have found that working has helped me more than staying at home, especially if Jay is not there. Honestly, Jay is my rock and when he is working, most of the time all I do is sit.
There were many in the room that day. There are many that remember every word, and there are those that don’t recognize the date, and that’s okay. But for a mother, who has just been told her son will die, I remember how my heart sank, I couldn’t breathe, and I wanted to throw up. But there was Trey, my Simba. “Well, it must be bad because Mom has been crying.” Generally, I wasn’t a crier when the kids were growing up. My emotions have definitely changed since January of 2012. Cancer continues to be our enemy.
There are few people I trust WHOLEHEARTEDLY, and one is (Rev., Dr., Papa K, Bro.) Keith Cochran. I sent him a text yesterday and just said, “I’m sad.” He asked, “Why are you sad?” I quickly replied, “Where is your head, Bro!” I knew he would either laugh or be concerned. He responded, “Well, I didn’t know if anything else was going on.” He knew. He sent encouraging scripture from 1 Chronicles which speaks of praising the Lord. I told him I didn’t want scripture. I’m tired of scripture being thrown at me as the answer. I don’t want to go to church. I don’t want to go to choir. I told him, “I think I’ll take up Collin’s attitude.” Where is God?
Last night, I sent him a text and thanked him for always being available for me, for not being judgmental, and listening to my heart. He said, “Of course! We love you guys!” He told me earlier in the day that sometimes, not saying anything is best. I told him – NOT WITH ME! I told him you can give me something! It doesn’t have to sound like Billy Graham wrote it! (I knew he would chuckle.) Keith had told me a long time ago I needed to scream to just get it out. I guess I screamed, but maybe through text. I might have more screaming and more crying to do. He was my son.
I find it ironic that the majority (and I mean 9 out of 10) of Trey’s best friends now have little boys. Cody and Katie Beth – 3 boys, Hunter and Madison – 1 boy, Julianne and Ben – 1 boy, Leighton and Jeremy – 2 boys. Even Cojo! (Courtney Jordan Dahlsten) has a boy! The only girl coming is precious Harper Joy Korthoff! (Madison (Young) and Herbie). I was at a shower for Madison a week or so ago and some of the boys came with their mothers. It was so precious to see them interact with their own children. It was VERY hard to take in that all these girls were once my YOUNG girls. Some were bed babies with Trey. The one thing that plays over and over in my mind is I HOPE (well, I know they do) understand and feel the love a mother has for her child. I would never want any of these sweet families to experience the loss of one of their children. They all hurt when Trey died and they will always carry a part of him with them, I hope. I love them so.
This morning on the way to work I pleaded with God to show me His goodness. I love listening to Olivia Lane on The Message in the morning and she shared scripture from Hebrews, which I can’t remember now. All I know is that it pierced my heart with God’s love for me. I will find it. It reminded me of a song by Meredith Andrews. Meredith is the sweetest person (pictured with me and Trey in the summer of 2011). She sung at our DNOW(s), sung at summer camp, and loved on all these kids that are now grown up. If you have a chance, look up the song with lyrics below – You’re Not Alone.
I know I am not alone in this journey. I know others feel like I do and understand. Sometimes it is the guilt of feeling this way that gets me, but God gets me. This time of year is always hard. So, you might not see me at church (I’ll watch online) and you might not see me in the choir (I’ll sing from the couch). I just ask that you continue to pray for our family. Grief is a very complicated animal. It’s very hard for me to explain my inner turmoil, so spending time in silence and listening for His goodness is sometimes best.
Hakuna Matata…
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I searched for love when the night came and it closed in I was alone, but You found me where I was hiding And now I’ll never ever be the same It was the sweetest voice that called my name, saying
You’re not alone for I am here Let me wipe away your every fear My love, I’ve never left your side I have seen you through the darkest night And I’m the One who’s loved you all your life All of your life
You cry yourself to sleep Cause the hurt is real and the pain cuts deep All hope seems lost with heartache your closest friend And everyone else long gone You’ve had to face the music on your own But there is a sweeter song that calls you home, saying
You’re not alone for I am here Let me wipe away your every tear My love, I’ve never left your side I have seen you through the darkest night And I’m the One who’s loved you all your life All your life
Faithful and true forever My love will carry you
You’re not alone for I, I am here Let me wipe away your every fear My love, I’ve never left your side I have seen you through the darkest night Your darkest night And I’m the One who’s loved you all your life All of your life
For all our married life, Jay has worn a uniform to work. For years it was scrubs and for the passed 21 years, a uniform for the fire department. I’ve told him countless times that I wish I could wear a uniform to work. Wearing a uniform would make morning decisions SO much easier.
Tomorrow is World Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Day and the ribbon/color which represents Pancreatic Cancer is purple. Why purple? Pancreatic cancer uses a purple ribbon as a tribute to one woman’s love for her mother. A woman named Rose Schneider, whose favorite color was purple, died in 1996 after battling pancreatic cancer for six months. That’s how purple became the color for pancreatic cancer.
Think about Valentine’s Day. What color do you associate with that day? Why RED, of course! It’s a day of love. Thursday, November 16 is no different. By wearing purple, you are acknowledging the love and compassion you have for those who have suffered, succumbed, and are still battling pancreatic cancer. You are saying – I See You!
I see you as you walk through the door for another treatment.
I see you smiling when I know you’re in so much pain that you can’t stand.
I see you when you wish you could eat what everyone is enjoying but you’re afraid to put a bite in your mouth for fear it will go right through you.
I see you as you sit next to the bed of your mother as pancreatic cancer slowly takes her and she can’t respond.
I see you when you cry with your grandfather knowing he only has a few days, but he’s at peace and you’re not.
I watch you maneuver through life without a smile because pancreatic cancer took your best friend, father, son.
I listened as you tried to rationalize the reason God took my baby. I’ve listened countless times. Even knowing God had a purpose for Trey’s cancer, a mother’s broken heart never heals.
I see you. You matter. You are relevant. Your suffering is not in vain. You are loved and we wear purple for all of you; my family, for Trey, for Martha Carol, for Stephanie, for Melanie Busch, for Ruth Ranks and her girls Kelly Ranks Roy and Tracy Ranks Grimmer, for Steve Gilmore and his dad, and for so many of the known and unknown.
My sister, Donna, and I often say, those that scream the loudest get heard. I can tell you that funding for research for pancreatic cancer is not a priority to most. Grants are not available to assist adults with cancer because of government funding. I have thought – I sure wish there was a St. Jude for adults.
Again, November 16, we wear purple for you. Stand up against cancer – pancreatic cancer. Tell their story. Tell YOUR story-why you wear purple. I’m begging for your support. Remember, those that scream the loudest, get heard!
I challenge you to download or copy this sign for tomorrow. Tag me (or #treyerwin13) and let’s make a difference!
I often tell Jay I think we are over-insured. When he left Baptist Tipton, Baptist Minor Med, Baptist ER, and I left Burch, Porter & Johnson, the life insurance we had provided portability (very important). It was a no-brainer to opt to take the insurance with us without a significant increase in premium. Jay’s ability to be insured at this point is, well is nil to none.
Jay and I invested in our first life insurance plans as a young family in 1995, one year before Trey was born. I watched my mother struggle after my father passed away because they did not have adequate life insurance. There was no “college fund.” I knew I did not want to ever struggle like my mother. I found it odd that my parents invested in burial insurance policies and not LIFE insurance policies. Those policies were eventually bought out by other companies and their value decreased to a very small cash amount. It did not hurt my feelings when my mother turned the cash over to me at 20 years old. I thought I had come into some money! (Not.)
As most of you know, if you have insurance or are in the insurance business, premiums tend to skyrocket each year; health and life. I’m so thankful that 25 plus years ago we took out policies that provided for us after Trey died. We are still holding a few policies that are not providing a great benefit, but I am too afraid to let them go. How many of you are contacted by your broker telling you that you need to have an annual review of your insurance and retirement benefits? Even though those calls, emails, and texts are annoying, I still know that I need to meet with a financial advisor about our insurance and retirement. “You know you need to plan for a rainy day!” Yes, I know. I feel I have already experienced a few floods.
I heard something on The Message XM Radio last week that made me think about our insurance situation.
“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, My God, in whom I trust!” Ps. 91:1-2
What do you think of when you hear shadow? The psalmist refers to the “shadow” of God. In literal terms, a shadow provides little protection, itself. The imagery, however, is of someone who is close enough, and protected enough, that the shadow of their protector is on them.
That’s when the radio announcer mentioned that God is our insurance. BAM!!
In reading Psalms, I never thought of God being my insurance. We purchase insurance today so that if we are injured, hospitalized, or even in the event of death, we are provided for – protected. Christ’s death on the cross provided us with insurance for eternity. How do premiums come into the picture, I thought. Premiums are usually paid monthly, at least in our case. Just as premiums pay for the insurance of protection, being a Christian sometimes comes at a cost. All you have to do is watch the news, work in a toxic environment, remain in a hostile marriage, or suffer from a terminal illness – they all come with a cost of testing your faith.
I am thankful for the shadow of protection God provides – just as I am the life insurance I pay for monthly. In either situation, I know my future is secure. I know the value of my life will not decrease as long as I trust in my Savior. A wise young boy once said, “I’ll either be healthy in heaven, or healthy on earth. Either way, I know I’ll be okay.”
Have you invested in insurance? We are all insurable by God, but it’s a choice. You don’t have time to waste, my friend.
Happy 27th birthday to my sweet Trey in heaven. When Trey was born, Jay and I were living in a house we had built in Bartlett, had the picket fence, and the chocolate lab, Allie. We were your All-American family – both with booming careers and a newly found church family. It was everything I had dreamed of as a young girl.
As the years went by, tragedy continued to plague our family. We did not buckle under the pressure. If anything, we grew as a couple because we always talked about what we were feeling. Well, maybe I made him talk or listen! He has always listened.
After Trey’s death, finding people who would talk or listen came few and far between. I didn’t understand and I still do not understand, but I am trying. I’m trying to understand why people who were an important part of our family chose to walk away. It has taken me years of tears, prayer, strength, and research to understand this phenomenon.
Recently, I had a conversation with a friend about their part in our journey and I just wanted to know why we were abandoned after his death. I pushed through this hard conversation because after 10 years, I needed to put it behind me. The trauma of Trey’s death has been something our family has had to bear and I just didn’t understand why others were not able to help carry our load. Isn’t that what we are called to do? If someone told you tomorrow that they had a terminal illness-the fight or flight instinct would kick in. What has been baffling is those that fought with us, then took flight. UNTIL I said, no more. Without going into detail to protect our friendship-let me just say it was the healing that was needed…because I spoke up. I knew Trey would not want our relationship to be strained.
It’s hard to think about Trey’s birth without thinking about his death. I have shied away from writing because of fear. Fear that I would offend someone or something might not be biblically right on point, so I stopped writing. I had someone in an online support group remind me that my words might be something someone needs to read or hear. Honestly, I let others dictate how I was feeling. Then I realized, they had not lost their son, I have! So, I’m back!!!!
It wasn’t until I talked to one of Trey’s friends that I realized I was experiencing delayed trauma. Delayed trauma can include persistent fatigue, sleep disorders, anxiety, depression, and avoidance of emotions, sensations, or activities that are associated with the trauma, even remotely. The more I’ve read (after a major panic attack before my second ankle surgery), I have realized that holding in these emotions are not healthy, especially for migraine sufferers! I read this definition of trauma as described by the Allina Health Organization:
“Psychological trauma is a person’s emotional response to a scary, shocking or horrific event or series of events. Traumatic events are unpredictable and can cause overwhelming amounts of stress beyond your capacity to cope. Experiencing trauma can often shake your assumptions about life, your sense of control, feeling safe and trust in others. Losing those fundamental feelings of safety and trust can lead to anxiety and fear. You may even feel like the world is unsafe and unpredictable or question your faith. The overwhelming stress can lead to long-term psychological trauma, and in more severe cases, post-traumatic stress disorder. Any form of psychological trauma can interfere with your ability to maintain relationships, perform day-to-day activities and enjoy your life.”
Wow. Even after eleven years I am still experiencing so many things associated with delayed trauma. What I have realized is that there are hundreds, THOUSANDS of women who have lost their child(ren) that feel the same way! Sometimes we let these fears control our spiritual growth. I have clung to fear, been absolutely stuck in deep muck and mire. Trust me, just because someone is not flowing tears does not mean they are or are not strong. Some of the strongest women emit tears. [EDIT] After I published this post, I went back and read this statement about tears and it didn’t make sense. So to clarify, you might see me crying at some point, during church, with a friend, in a picture…that does not mean I am not strong. And it definitely does not mean it is about TREY! Tears are just my outlet for my emotions. Sometimes my sadness comes out in my attitude. Just ask my husband.
So today, I have cried a little.
I have laughed and smiled a little.
I have hurt a lot.
Most of all, I have realized in this big, messed up world, there are mothers (and fathers) that feel the same way I do. AND there are some that do not have these feelings, and that’s okay! I’ve always said it’s okay to not be okay. I think I’ve been so busy telling others that I did not realize I am not always okay myself.
As simple as this word is from the Lord, it packs a powerful punch – Phil. 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”
Today, Lord, I need your strength. And tomorrow, I will need it more.
Again, happy 27th birthday to my first born. My sunshine. Sorry, buddy, it’s passed my bedtime and I didn’t get a chance to proof this – but I wanted it out on your birthday.
June 1, 2023. It has slipped up on us all. SUMMER is here, kids are out of school, and families are going on vacation. There was a time when I was so excited about summer, even though kids were going from one sport camp to another, VBS (either attending or helping), church camp, or scouting trips – with weekends spent at my sister’s pool. How do things change so quickly?
During those years of hustle and bustle, I NEVER thought about a change in the life I had planned for my family. We would always go on family vacations, spend weekends at the pool, including holidays with laughter, hamburgers, and hot dogs. We still have the hamburgers and hot dogs, but somehow, the laughter is missing.
Over the last 28 years, I can say our faith has not wavered, definitely tested, but not wavered. December of 1995 is when Jay was first diagnosed with cancer. I can promise you that it has not slowed him, much to my frustration. His next treatment is next Thursday, and if he didn’t have to work on Friday, he would. He never slows down. His BROTHER did not slow down – he had goals (basketball, high school, college) while battling cancer. Jay’s FATHER still came to watch the boys practice football during his treatments. There is a pattern here. I firmly believe Trey learned from watching his dad, his papaw, and hearing about his uncle. Trey had goals in the midst of his battle. I remember someone asking me at the time why he had a bucket list. That bucket list kept him going. Also, as a result, I see so much maturity in my Collin at age 23.
Over the last year, I have felt myself slip into a depressive state because I have been dealing with an ankle that will not heal after a tendon tear, two surgeries, and soon to be my 7th (no, 8th) cast. Food, television, and a scooter have become good friends of mine. Even during this time, I have been praying for friends that have been suffering from circumstances much worse.
This morning, I noticed in my devotion (which was Trey’s), I had written at the bottom of the page I was praying for the Troike family (Yes, I misspelled Troike). Wyatt was a friend of Collin’s at Collierville and was a patient of St. Jude at the time. Believe it or not, I have never been one for journaling, so the fact that I noted this prayer for the family struck a chord. I am sure at the time, they were struggling with the unknown. It prompted me to jot down who I had prayed for on the way to work. EACH of them are walking a similar path our family has walked…cancer. But we have always known God is in control, His sovereignty, and He is definitely in the details of our circumstances.
Eleven years ago, our circumstances changed with Trey during his battle with cancer. We were told by his doctors his chemo had stopped working and it would be a matter of time. I remember asking, “A matter of time for what?” Even years later, my heart still sinks remembering being told Trey may have until September (2012). I would have never thought he would be gone in a month. But in that one month, he had several procedures that enabled him to make it to the beach with the church and an extended family vacation. There were plans to change his chemo after his return from the beach. That was not God’s plan. This coming month will be another difficult time of reflection.
Whether you are facing cancer or similar circumstance to make you feel defeated, do not let Satan control how you handle the situation. He will manipulate you towards loneliness and entice you down a path of darkness that will not help you when the going gets tough. Well, tougher. Like our Pastor has said, and I paraphrase, “If you aren’t going through tough times now, you will.” We may not know the outcome of our circumstances, but we DO know the guide!
If you need to be encouraged in your current circumstances, I urge you to get the book by Coach Mike O’Neill – Don’t Back Down (on Amazon and in local Collierville stores). Its content is filled with laughter, tears, struggles, uncertainty, hope, but mostly with the Holy Spirit.
Read the scripture again – I heard, but I did not understand. So I asked, “My Lord, what will the outcome of all this be?” Daniel 12:8 I don’t think we will know this side of Heaven. Right now, I’m okay with that and I’m learning to pivot as my circumstances change. Thank you, Ross Geller – character from Friends – PIVOT, PIVOT, PIVOT!
I took this pic while laying in bed last Saturday morning. It was a day I knew I would be able to sleep a little later. It’s odd how as I get older, I sleep longer. I’ve never been a late sleeper. So, I was a little perturbed that the sun was shining straight down in my eyes. Well, a lot perturbed. I was ready to post this and complain about the sun in my eyes.
For some reason, the picture was immediately absorbed with the rest of my 10,000 pictures on my phone and I didn’t think about it again…until now. I’m sitting here watching basketball and deleting pictures and there – look. See it?
It’s been a hard week for many reasons. Honestly, I’ve wrestled all week with the build up of memories from 11 years ago, not slept well (vivid nightmares), been frustrated with myself at work (perfectionist failure 🙄), and overwhelmed by a busy schedule that I created for myself. I found myself grabbing my devotion book at work around 10 am today thinking to myself, “Oh, I got to get this in!” I assumed God would use my speed reading to soak the words right off the paper into my soul. A hurting, grieving soul.
I worked a little late last night and drove Collin’s car home from work for Jay to take to the shop. I didn’t have my church choir CD to listen to, so I found myself praying…for friends with cancer, my friend Ashley, healing, my husband, my sweet son, the woman that God has for Collin, and for my sister and the group to return from their cruise safely. I vividly remember asking God to speak to me because I told Him that I felt I have not had anything encouraging to say in order to write a blog. I begged to be used. I asked Him why people are drawn to someone else’s trauma. I didn’t expect an answer. Jay and I have been talking about trauma addiction lately and it is just another struggle I’ve dealt with – and watched a sweet girl deal with the realization that Trey’s death has caused trauma in her life.
I asked the Lord, with no hesitation, to always use my words and actions for His glory. I kept asking to be used, like a mantra – use me, use me. When you pray to be used, are you afraid of just how God will start moving in your life? I am. I know Trey asked to be used. Sometimes I wonder…well…I can’t go there right now. When I prayed last night, I actually said out loud, “Now God, I don’t need anything drastic.” You might ask how I remember praying this. I was driving down Poplar Pike and just crossed over the railroad tracks in front of Germantown High School. I brought myself back around to the fact that I WAS driving, needed to pay attention, and was thankful a train wasn’t coming because I sure wasn’t looking! I was too busy giving God my request list.
I am in choir at Germantown Baptist Church and we are preparing to record a CD next Monday and Tuesday. I have worked so hard to memorize the songs by listening to the alto track. My essential tremors make it difficult to hold the music and I know how important the sound of turning pages can be in a recording. Last week, words from one of the songs spoke to me and I sent them by text to my friend, Anna Wakefield. I remember her saying in rehearsal it was one of her favorite songs we are singing. As I looked at this picture, as if for the first time, I finally saw the cross through the sunbeam. Immediately these lyrics came to my mind.
“Lift your head, Morning is coming; there’s more to the story. Don’t forget; in grief and in glory, Still great is His faithfulness. He is Present Helper, Keeper; great is His faithfulness. Perfect, Sovereign, Fortress, great is His faithfulness. Abba Father, Comfort, great is His faithfulness. Redeemer, Restorer, Sustainer, great is His faithfulness. Wait on Him, rest in Him, come find your peace again. Trust in Him, hope in Him; great is His faithfulness!”
Oh, how these lyrics pierce my heart. He speaks to me most when I worship with an openness to allow Him to be everything He promises in His Word. My Comforter. My Restorer. But more than these things, the promise that because of His sacrifice, morning IS coming and there IS more to MY story. Maybe God DOES write my list of requests on HIS heart with a smirk saying, “Lisa, remember who I am! Come find your peace in me.”
Hey buddy. I thought I would write you and catch you up on some things. It’s 2 AM and I was doing this in my head so I thought I would put it on paper. Putting it on paper these days means that you are dictating something to your phone. That would totally blow you away. And, you know I don’t do anything at 2 AM unless it’s important. Honestly, Abbie woke me up because she had to go to the bathroom and I took our new golden retriever puppy out at the same time. I know you would feel the same way Collin does and be protective of Abbie versus the excitement of the new puppy. It’s hard to believe we got Abbie one month before you started feeling sick.
I haven’t written to you in a long time. Actually, my writing has slowed. Not for the lack of thought, but just a lack of time and discouragement. It is not that you are not thought of, it’s just the days of hearing your voice have long gone; a day I knew would come and I have dreaded.
Last year (2022) we did a study of heaven in Sunday School. I was so anxious to dive into the word and here what Carolyn had to say about where you are and where we will eventually be together. I know too often I loosely use the term of seeing you when I see a goose, or comment during a ball game that you’re the angel in the outfield, or tell someone that I know was close to you that you are an angel on their shoulder. I know none of that’s true and you are not something that can be put in a pocket and carried around. And I definitely know you are not an angel in heaven. People misinterpret scripture and we don’t become angels when we die and float on clouds! Maybe it comforts me that it’s the memory of you that is carried around. I have no doubt that you are doing exactly God intended-spending time with Him, praising Jesus, and hopefully talking to many of the prophets you read about. It would be nice to think that you are looking down on me and your family, but I know you would not want to see so much of the sadness in this world. And frankly, it’s not biblical. Neither is this, really, but it sure makes me feel better. Some people journal every day, but I blog.
Several things happened in church this last Sunday that brought you to mind. While we were singing the songs I consider contemporary worship, there was a little girl probably between the age of five and eight in the seats behind me, and she was singing every word to the songs. I started to cry because one, it was just so precious, and two, I knew that mother was teaching her children by listening to the music in the car (like we used to do). Pastor Matt announced that we will be studying in James very soon. Honestly, I can’t remember if I rolled my eyes or had a feeling of excitement knowing that James was one of your favorite books in the Bible. Either way, it will be a great study and I know that I will learn much from what Pastor Matt has to say. (You would love him, by the way. He knows Papa K.)
Lastly, it was announced that Impact is coming up soon. Your Aunt Donna and I had a collective sigh. We know it’s not Impact in our minds and should still be D-Now, but I think during the many changes in the regime at church, the name was changed to move with the times. I get that. But while others move on, I have keen awareness that it is January and the beginning of the season I dread every year, January through July. I wish I could sleep January through July and wake up in August for vacation. We know that is not how life works.
Many things happened in the last year. Your dad, Collin, and I all had surgery. Too bad it wasn’t all at the same time. Your dad started treatments at West Clinic and is going every three weeks. While it’s heavy on my heart that he has to endure this, we know it’s what is best and it’s helping to reduce the cancer in his neck. So many around us are being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I just don’t understand why people are suffering.
I didn’t ask for donations to St. Jude for your birthday this last year. So many give to St. Jude and that’s such a blessing but I wanted to do something different. This idea actually came to life while on a short vacation and the Ralph Lauren store in Pigeon Forge was all in. I didn’t know how I was going to accomplish this idea that I intended to be very small. I took a chance and put the word out (Venmo would be your friend, I know that for sure) that I was in Pigeon Forge and wanted to buy Polo hats to give out to St. Jude and West Clinic patients in honor of your birthday. I had in my mind that I would probably end up buying maybe 10 hats. Those 10 hats turned into being over 200 to be gifted away from donations. We almost bought the store out and I came home and ordered more as the money continued to come in. I remember getting a message from a friend of mine that was given a hat at West Clinic in your memory. What a blessing to see things come full circle and help others. The circle of life. Just had to put the Lion King reference in here for you. The money I had leftover from the collections I gave to the Collierville football team to add to your scholarship for a senior football player.
I don’t know if mature is the right word, but I think purchasing the hats for others last year was much more constructive than being huddled up in a ball in bed. There was such joy blessing others. It’s something you would do and I hope to come up with something for your birthday in July.
Out of the blue last night I got a text from a sweet family friend of the family that I have not heard from in probably 8 plus years. She sent a picture of her microwave and said she still stops her microwave when there is 13 seconds left on the timer. The small gesture of a simple text has such an impact on this mama’s heart. People might call that a Godwink, but I think it is a blessing that people are still carrying you close to their heart. That’s my greatest desire. Matter of fact, just this week Tara Peeper sent me a text with the picture of the song 10,000 Reasons on her first day back to school. And Gina Johnson got a purple toothbrush today and sent me a picture and thought of you. Purplely, we said! Oh, how I hope people will continue to reach out with their precious thoughts. Whereas they might think it would cause sadness, it actually helps so much in the healing.
I got another message from a dear friend that told me she holds the last decade of memories of you close to her heart. That meant the world to me. When many of us who are faced with our own mortality or that of our loved ones, we seem to understand the grieving process a smidge better, and the way you handled your journey to Jesus has helped all of us. I know one day Jesus will heal me of the grief I carry, however heavy it might be at the time. But you know I’m one strong mama.
A lady came into the new law firm I work for and she made the remark that I looked familiar. I gave my standard line, “Do you remember the Collierville football player who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2012 and was the pray for Trey movement?” She immediately said oh yes, we prayed for him. I said well I’m his mother. Whether or not that is how she recognized me is not the point. The point is I opened the door to share your faith story, and maybe it’s a little selfish of me that I know I’m keeping your legacy alive. Even though my coworker knows your story, I know she probably thought I was crazy in bringing you up. But she will be a mom one day and understand.
Well, I still miss you incredibly. Things are starting to move into place upstairs. I finally cleaned out your closet. I take that back, I just took your billion clothes off the rack. I’ve told your dad that is my New Year’s resolution is to get upstairs totally cleaned out. I have no idea why he laughed at me. Maybe because that hasn’t been done in 10 years. Now that it’s starting to bother me, it’s time to get things done. I might have to rent a dumpster!
I read this in an article about cancer, “It’s common for the grief process to take a year or longer. A grieving person must resolve the emotional and life changes that come with the death of a loved one. The pain may become less intense, but it’s normal to feel emotionally involved with the deceased for many years.” While that statement is so true, I wonder what is their definition of “many years.” I think I have matured in my grief because the pain is not so intense and my tears no longer flow as often as they did. Oh, but it will catch me off guard at times! That has nothing to do with how much I miss you being with us, it is more about accepting reality.
We need a place we can turn to when we are going through the dark valleys of our souls. Having hidden in literal caves to escape death from King Saul, David knew the value of having a good, safe hiding place. For David, God was his refuge that was entirely trustworthy and reliable in all circumstances.
I remind myself that God knows my heart’s innermost cries. Our feelings of fear, anger, frustration, and everything else is safe in His hands. I have held tight to David’s prayer in Psalm 9:9-10, which says “The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.” Oppressed? Yes. I still feel the pressure from society to conform to the norm that I should be in a certain stage of grief. I feel like that is putting me in a box of when I can and cannot talk about you and feel comfortable with others dealing with the memory of your death. I think, personally, it takes a lot of guts to talk about you. You know I’m laughing because you would talk about yourself all day long.
I could go on and on, but it’s now 3:50 AM and if I have a migraine tomorrow because I did this, your dad’s gonna kill me. And the dogs are getting restless because I’m talking. Thanks a lot buddy, now I’ll never go back to sleep. I guess this is getting me back for all the nights that we ate oatmeal together at 3 AM and I did your laundry.
We (the family) are all close to the heart of God, and my prayer is that He will be even more merciful during these next seven months as we walk through moment by moment that we experienced together until your last breath. Your Aunt Donna and I talked about that yesterday, the day you took your last breath, who was there, how she felt. I have given my book about you two some of my coworkers and they have a fear of reading it because of sadness. They have no idea the many moments that we spent in laughter. I never thought the memories of laughter would be in the forefront of the memories of such heartache, but I’m SLOWLY getting there.
This song just came to mind that your ducky (Madison) has sung in memory of you and the words are so fitting.
When the pieces seem too shattered to gather off the floor And all that seems to matter is I don’t feel you anymore When I’m over come by fear and I hate everything I know If this waiting last forever, I’m afraid I might let go I need a reason to sing, I need a reason to sing I need to know that you’re still holding the whole world in your hands. Will there be a victory Will you sing it over me now Your peace is the melody You sing it over me now I need a reason to sing I need to know that you’re still holding the whole world in your hands That is a reason to sing!
Love, mama.
PS It’s 5:50 am and I never went back to sleep! So I haven’t proofread this!
There are days when…I am incredibly sad, especially as the holidays get closer.
There are days when…I don’t pray.
There are many days when…I am angry.
There are many days when…I don’t understand His plan and why hurt, pain, and disease continues.
There are Sundays when…I just can’t get out of bed. It has nothing to do with being lazy, not wanting to worship, or the choice to do other things. It is just a feeling of walking into His house so downtrodden.
Does that make me any less than who I am in Christ? I don’t think so.
One of my favorite devotion books is New Morning Mercies by Paul David Tripp. What I read this morning hit me smack in the feels!
“Biblical faith never requires you to deny reality.
You don’t protect the message of the gospel by denying your own spiritual struggles, and God surely doesn’t need you to defend his reputation by faking it. You must not meditate on the judgment of God. You must not squirm at the thought of his presence. You must not allow yourself to wonder if he loves you. You must not see yourself as unworthy of his care. You must not work to measure up in his sight. You must not think that he acts more favorably to you when you are obedient than when you sin. You must not beat yourself up when you fail. You must not envy the worthiness of the person next to you, as if he or she is more accepted by God because he or she is more spiritually mature than you. You must never run from God in fear as you think of the empirical evidence of remaining sin that you give every day.
There is nothing we could ever think, desire, say, or do that could in any way add to the forgiveness and acceptance that we have received from God based on Christ’s work. You are perfect in the eyes of God because the perfect righteousness of Jesus has been attributed to your spiritual account. You are righteous before God even in those moments when you say what you are doing is not righteous. You measure up in his eyes in even on those days when you don’t measure up, because Jesus measured up on your behalf. Meditate on and celebrate the amazing grace that has completely changed your identity, potential, and destiny.”
It is not my story, my husband’s, or Trey’s that I want you to hear. It’s the story of a like-minded family in Christ who loves the Lord and is struggling like we did 10 years ago – Mike and Beth O’Neill. When I said I get angry, this is why. I hate what cancer is doing to this precious family and I can’t fix it. I can’t heal him, I can’t send him where he will get better treatment, and I can’t change any circumstance that is surrounding their struggles. They walked with us EACH day when Trey battled his cancer and they have continued to pray for us.
Is it okay for me to be angry? Absolutely. I asked the person who walked with us just as close as a family member, (Pastor) Keith Cochran. I consider him family. I asked him about anger. He said, “Yes, I was angry at cancer for affecting another life. Angry at how people try to personalize it. You know, the “I know how you feel, my grandfather had cancer…” It’s not the same. Even if it is, it doesn’t help. People mean well, but either say the wrong thing or say nothing.” I told Keith he was right on point. I put my anger in the category with sadness and hurt…not hate.
I don’t have an answer because I could honestly be eaten up with anger if I let cancer be the source. Sometimes it is just hard to accept that God’s plan is not our plan. Personally, it is hard to see my husband continue to battle cancer, go to treatments every three weeks, and know that Collin must think about it too. I don’t think Satan wears me down. I think I wear myself down. I let my ankle pain and the fact that I have been in a boot since April (after surgery in September) push me into a more depressive state. And then I get angry at myself for being depressed!
I want to go back to what my devotion said. “Biblical faith never requires you to deny reality.” What I need to remember, while my reality may shake my emotions to the point of anger, it will never shake my faith. Never. Christ is my center and he needs me to turn my focus off my reality (that sometimes sucks).
“I’ve told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I’ve conquered the world.” John 16:33
Please join me in praying for the O’Neill family. And remember, as I have said many times, it is okay to NOT be okay.
Oh, did I say I hate cancer?
CaringBridge link for Mike O’Neill below I hope you can access.
To be honest, I have started this blog probably five times with five different topics. One being things I have learned over the last 10 years since Trey’s death. I want to be encouraging, uplifting, and point others to Jesus, who has been my comfort. But there has been…
10 years of not driving after just learning;
10 years of Collierville graduations;
10 years of friends getting married;
10 years of new babies;
10 years of new jobs after college;
10 years of an empty chair;
and I’m supposed to be okay with this, yet I am not. I know, no one said I had to be okay. But in our culture, it is taboo to talk about the children we have lost…especially say their name. My child is no different than yours, and my love is no less, mine is just in heaven. Matter of fact, my love might be greater because I cannot touch him, talk with him, smell his cologne when he walks through the room, watch him primp in the mirror, hear him yell at the television during a football or basketball game, watch him play the sports he loved, and most of all, be a witness to him worshipping Jesus. Some days I feel so robbed of time.
When I attended a bereaved parents retreat in May, it did not go unnoticed to me that Trey has been in heaven the longest. I listened to people and thought to myself, “It’s been 10 years so why don’t I feel any different than those that lost their child several months ago?” I feel as empty as the sweet lady who lost her daughter in March to cancer. Fact is, that emptiness is never filled, our hearts never “mend”, we are never the same, and we shouldn’t be.
I have prayed and prayed that I would have the opportunity to talk with Collin about Trey and things that were on my heart. Collin drove me to Madison Molnar’s wedding and on the way home, we were able to have the conversation I had wanted for some years. Without giving details, it was so good to hear that he is no longer angry. I told him if he was, it was okay because sometimes I am. We are human. We talked about marriage and children. Collin said he does not plan to have any children because he does not want to watch his child go through what Trey went through. My heart melted for him. He said when the time comes, he would adopt. We talked about how much he has changed in 10 years. Going from 12 to 22 has been a hard road for Collin, but I have clearly watched the hand of God in his life.
Trey’s life, illness, and death not only changed our family, but many others. My sister and I were talking about a friend who thought her daughter was saved until Trey’s funeral. Another friend walked the pancreatic cancer journey with his father, and because of Trey’s story that he was able to share, his father is in heaven. As a Christian, seeing God be glorified should be one of our main daily objectives. Trey did that with his life, in his illness, and through his death. But I’m still his mother.
I will still grieve for the rest of my life; holidays will never become easier; my love will never dim; and this heart will forever feel shattered. Just because Trey is in heaven, as I have said many times, I will not stop saying his name or telling his story, thus the Polo hats.
What have I learned in 10 years? Some things may seem crass, but still important in the grieving process.
The love I have for Trey is no greater than the love another parent has for their child, especially a bereaved parent. Loving him and shedding enumerable tears will continue until I see Jesus face to face.
As much as I would like for this to have happened, the world did not stop when Trey died. People kept going to work, kids went to school, families planned trips to Disney/beach, and the sun rose and set even though I begged to go back for one more day, one more moment.
Do not have high expectations of others, because they will disappoint you (and not of their own doing). They have not walked in your shoes and any bereaved parent will tell you that you would not wish this hell on anyone in order to know the depth of pain.
I’m a member of a club I cannot leave, did not choose, yet I pay dues every waking moment.
Everyone grieves differently, even a mother and father. Yet you must respect each other and there must be grace.
Photos and videos I have of Trey are some of my most prized possessions. It is a harsh reality he will forever remain 15 years old. Document each moment of life because only God knows the day and time you will be called to be with Him.
Learn to be forgiving. People will do and say things that will blow your mind. Make sure you have an outlet.
Lean into your grief. Accept grief and have the coping skills to manage your day, and it is day-to-day. It will hit like a tidal wave, knock you off your feet, and keep you in a frozen state.
Just because you are grieving does not mean you are weak in your faith, that God is not working in your life, and that you do not have value to your church and community. Satan is the father of lies and I have listened to him too many times and convinced myself I am alone on this journey, when it is very much the opposite.
There is nothing I could have done to change the trajectory of Trey’s journey. I firmly believe, as it says in Psalms, God formed him in my womb, knew his name before he was born, every hair on his head was numbered, and the plan for his life was laid out before he took his first breath. Let me be clear, I have to remind myself of this DAILY! A mother’s instinct is to protect and there was nothing I or Jay could have done to protect him from the cancer that invaded his body.
Through all the turmoil, grief, and suffering, I still believe God’s plan is perfect. God does not ask nor does He need our permission to carry out His plan. We need to be willing to be molded to fulfill it. Is it easy? Absolutely not. The last 10 years have been difficult in ways you will never understand. But God understands. He is faithful.
I cannot and will not hide from my grief, because it would also mean I would be hiding from Trey. I am not over the loss; I will never be over it; and I will always crave for Trey to be remembered.
How can you feel joy, pain, grief, and love all at the same time? Because you have known deep sorrow and the precious gift of unspeakable joy that life can bring. And a puppy helps too!
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, when you encounter various trials; for you know the testing of your faith produces endurance.” James 1:2-3
“And on that day when my strength is failing, the end draws near and my time has come; still my soul sings your praise unending, ten thousand years and then forevermore.
Bless the Lord, O my soul, O my soul, worship His holy Name. Sing like never before, O my soul. I’ll worship your Holy Name.” 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman
And Trey took his last breath, opened his eyes and saw His Savior. My Jesus.
It’s hard to believe Trey met Jesus 10 years ago July 5. There have been so many changes (good and bad) in the last 10 years of this grief journey. God has truly ministered to us with comfort, new friends, and sweet reminders that this is not our home. We WILL see Trey again.
I had someone ask me if we were going to do something since “10” is a big number. To be honest, I had not given much thought. The days of spending July 5 with his friends have come and gone. That is not a bad thing! They now have sweet families of their own and know the love a parent has for a child.
I want to get to the point. Trey always wanted to give back when he is was ill. He had a servant’s heart. I tell people one of the few times he got upset was after he talked with Peyton Manning. He asked me why he didn’t call another St. Jude patient. At the time, we tried to make things happen but it just didn’t work out.
It wasn’t until I attended a bereaved parents retreat about a month ago that I came up with the idea after talking to many parents. What was Trey’s trademark? POLO! I put Polo hats on him from the time he was a baby and he kept with the love of those hats in all colors! Sometimes he wore them facing forward and sometimes to the back…but he always had his yellow Polo hat. I still have all his hats except for a few I gave to his close friends after he died. One particular, I remember going to St. Jude to take his hunter green Polo hat to Kristina Hunsucker who was fiercely battling cancer at the time. She was a friend of Trey’s and I just thought having one of his hats would comfort her. She did lose her hair during treatment and I know it was special for her to have one of his hats.
Fortunately, Trey did not lose a lot of his hair during his treatments. I think God knew he could not handle that part of his journey. But there are many children who do! So, I want to purchase as many Polo hats as I can to give back in memory of Trey’s faith, courage, and bravery during his cancer battle.
This is how you can help. If you feel led, please donate a dollar or $5 to help me purchase at least 13 hats. I’m in Pigeon Forge, TN for a mini vacation and I want to start buying them now at the outlet. As they always say, no amount is too small. You will be a part of giving back to a child in need of a smile during a very dark time.
You can Venmo me at Lisa-Erwin-6 and I will keep a list of his “loving friends and family” to put on a letter that will accompany the hat telling of his journey. If you do not have Venmo and want to help, just send me a message and we will honor that commitment. This is just another way to keep Trey’s memory alive and at the same time, help a child. Trey would totally do this.
If I have tagged you in this blog, please do not feel obligated. It’s just a way of spreading the word that we ARE still considering “all things joy” while continuing to walk this grief journey together. We don’t have sponsors or the #prayfortrey fund (that went to Collierville High School for his scholarship).
I hope this will give you a warm feeling of doing something to honor our sweet boy’s 10th year with Jesus. If you are not able to give, I would love, LOVE to receive any memory you might have of how his journey made an impact on you as I am putting together several Shutterfly books of his journey.
Thank you to all those who STILL love us well until we see him again!
“Consider it all joy, my brothers and sisters, when encountering various trials, for you know the testing of your faith produces endurance.” James 1:2-3
P.S. Please excuse any typo or grammar errors! I did this on my phone!
living the life of christ 